Identity, Partnership and Kindness

 The 3 pillars of a solid relationship.

By

Dr. Tolani Adewole

(CEO of Flag Elite Matchmaking Club, LLC)

What is marriage: Two people coming together to become one. They may or may not have the same dreams but they MUST arrive at the same goal. They are on the same team.

Identity scripture: 

Colossians 3:1-5 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.

1. 1. Identity
   1. a. Know yourself
      1. i. What do I believe about myself, about where I currently reside and life in general.
      2. ii. How do these beliefs affect me and how I live my life? Identify the positive and the negative.
   2. b. Know your potential future spouse
      1. i. Know what he/she believes and live by.
      2. ii. How would his/her beliefs affect my life and our future.

Partnership Scripture:

Amos 3:3 Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?

1. 2. Partnership
   1. a. Understand that you are needed, so is your future spouse. 
      1. i. You have something that you are bringing to the relationship. Identify that and continue to grow in that because depending on the situation or the season what you bring will continue to evolve in your relationship, welcome the changes with understanding.

1. b. Understand that your spouse is your “honest mirror”
   1. i. Supportive mirror is nice but an honest mirror is needed for growth and change.
   2. ii. Welcome feedbacks and give feedbacks
      1. 1. Identify things that could hinder the success of honest feedback and control it
         1. a. Emotion, situation, character/identity, and the truth.
         2. b. Control by setting the stage, check the timing, understand your spouse sees you more than you do.

Scripture on Kindness

1 Corinthians 13:4 “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

1. 3. Kindness
   1. a. What does it mean to be kindhearted? To understand this and be this and practice it means that you are humble and willing to lay down your ego most of the time.
   2. b. To be kind means you are assuming “good intentions” from your spouse’s behavior. This should be your default.
   3. c. You listen to understand and not to build comeback points to use, so you could win the argument.
   4. d. Be respectful, compassionate and open minded
   5. e. You acknowledge each other and not overlook kind gestures/good behaviors as responsibilities.
   6. f. Identify how your spouse learns and adjust to it.

All these will help with good communication.  In a relationship when you master how to communicate with each other effectively, you have won!